Natalie's Hope
by Darkened Moonfire
Summary: Tears are coming down my cheeks forming a puddle on the bright green grass...you broke my heart the day I survived and you did not...I don't know how long it will be till i stop grieving my love for you...poetry and journal entries COMPLETE R&R Plz!
1. Chapter 1 Tears

**Natalie's Hope**

By Darkened Moonfire

Rating: K+

Category: Angst/Tragedy

Disclaimer: I do not own hp

**Chapter 1 Tears**

Note: so you are not confuzzled this story is about Natalie McDonald who is the only real character in the Harry Potter series she was only nine years old when she died so J.K. Rowling made her a first year and sorted her in Gryffindor. In my story however she doesn't go to Hogwarts

This first chapter is a poem that is sorta goes with the second chapter but for now just imagine Natalie writing this to someone in her family

**Tears**

You broke my heart

Oh you did

I cry and cry

Over you

I miss you so much

You were my role model

But you went and

Got yourself killed

Oh why did you die?

Why didn't you

Pay attention

To the car in front of us?

But no you didn't pay attention

You didn't look ahead

And look where you ended up?

Now you are dead

And my heart is tearing

Into tiny little pieces

Like someone who is

Tearing a valentine heart

My soul is

Weeping

Over your dead cold body

Lying there motionless

My soul is

Grieving

Over your dark grey grave

Tears are coming

Down my cheeks

Forming a puddle

On the bright green grass

Life is going on

As if nothing happened

But me

In a black dress

Who is mourning for you

Puts flowers by your grave

I cannot move on

For I am too heartstricken

About you

I feel as if I'm

Paralyzed

With grief

This knot

In my stomach

Will not go away

The dark circles

Underneath my eyes

Will not disappear

My tear stained face

Will not dry

I wish you could come back

Oh I just wish you did

But however times

I wish and pray

To God that

You would return

Alas you do not return

You do not

Open the front door

Where I will be waiting

For you

To come home

Again

And while I wait

I look at pictures

The pictures that

Mum took

Of you and me

Pictures of you

Smiling and laughing

I stare at them

Remembering

The moments of life

When they were

Captured on a piece

Of paper

And when they actually happened

I was happy then

So filled with joy

And peace

I don't ever

Think that

I will feel peace and joy again

As I look at

The pictures

I realize that

They make me

More distraught

And I start sobbing

Again

I let the tears fall

I let them fall

Onto the pictures

I let a thousand

Cold sad tears

Fall on the pictures

I don't know

How long it will be

Till I stop crying

Till I stop grieving

My love for you

Oh my love for you

Cannot be explained

In simple words

But I do

Love you

And that's

All that matters

You broke my heart

Yes you broke

My heart

You broke it the day

I survived

And you didn't

Why did you have

To die?

Why did I

Live?

The tears are

Swelling up again

I didn't know

That I could

Produce this many

Tears

But apparently

I can

I have only

One simple thing

To ask you

Before my tears

Blind me

From writing

This

Why did you have to break my heart?

-Natalie McDonald


	2. Chapter 2 Accident

**Natalie's Hope**

Rating: K+

Category: Angst/Tragedy

Disclaimer: I do not own hp though I dream I do

**Chapter 2 Accident**

A/N: ok the first chapter goes with this one please read and review

**Accident**

Dear Diary,

I have had such a horrible year! I find writing to be a safe haven, where I can spill my feelings of remorse, sorrow, and anger. For the sake of anyone who might read this, I will tell you exactly what made my life so miserable. It all began a year ago:

I was in the car with my dad. He had picked me up from school. I was babbling away, talking about my English grade.

"Oh daddy! Guess what? I got an A+ in English! Ms.Keli said that my fantasy story was the best! Do you remember my fantasy story? The one with magic and unicorns and where everything is perfect?"

My dad looked at me and smiled." yes I remember. That was highly interesting."

I started looking out the window. I saw a mum with her baby, a park with a silver playground and a dad playing with his daughter on the bright green grass. My dad glanced at me again. He asked,

"What are you doing?"

"Thinking."

"About what?"

"you." My dad smiled his best smile, showing off his white teeth.

Then it all happened so fast. My dad was driving. I was humming a tune. The car in front of us suddenly stopped. Dad wasn't paying attention. CRASH!!!!! BANG!!!!!!

After that it was all a blur. I remember my dad yelling, "Natalie! Natalie!" over and over again. Then everything went black.

Next thing I know I am in a hospital, hooked up to machines. My mum was standing there, looking at me.

"Am I ok?" I ask.

"Yes you are."

"What about daddy?" My head was pounding. It felt like a thousand needles were pressed into my head.

"Nat, I-I-I'm terribly s-ss-sor-r-y but your fat-the-r-r-r, well d-d-ad didn't m-ake it. He passed away a day ago."

All I could hear was my heart breaking. I felt tears well up in my eyes and I felt them leave, falling down my cheeks. I started sobbing and yelling and screaming. Mum tried to comfort me but that didn't help. I was absolutely devastated. I mean, who wouldn't be if they had lost their one and only father who you have known your entire life?

It has been a whole year since the accident. I still have nightmares every single night. I thought the pain would subside but it has just doubled. My heart shattered with grief. It couldn't handle that much sorrow. I never knew one person could have this much pain and misery. I loved my dad very much. And I knew he lived me very much too.

Personally, I think that not one child, especially a girl who was only eight when it happened, should have to go through the loss I endured.

I feel like I will never be happy again. I will only feel sadness and grief my entire life. And that haunts me each and every night. I want to be free from this loss. I want to smile again. I want to hope. I want to find myself being hopeful. Though I doubt that will ever happen. As much as I want to hope that I will be cheerful again, I just can't. I will never see my dad again. I will never see him smile again, showing off his white teeth. He will never pick me up and twirl me around. Sometimes I find myself thinking right before bed. I think,

" I really really wish that my father would return."

However, I only do this sometimes. I do not do it often. Therefore I do not hope.

Each night I cry myself to sleep. While I cry, one question keeps swimming around in my head, Why did dad die and I survived? I keep asking myself that same question over and over again. I know I should be grateful that I am alive but… I don't know. I honestly don't. I have no clue to what I am supposed to think. I am completely blind to the truth, whatever the truth may be. Sooner or later, I will probably figure out the truth and when I do, I will know what to think. I will hopefully answer my question, Why did I survive?

All for now,

Natalie McDonald


	3. Chapter 3 Sickness

**Natalie's Hope**

Rating: K+

Category: Angst/Tragedy

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter

**Chapter 3 Sickness**

A/N: ok this is the third chapter I hope you like it please please read and review!

**Sickness**

Dear Journal,

I can't believe it! My life ended three years ago. When I woke up one day, I noticed that I had bruises all over my legs.

I went to my mum and said, "Mum, I seem to have bruises all over my legs! And I can't seem to remember how I got them!"

My mum turned around, looking all frightened.

"Say that again Natalie." So I repeated what I said.

Before I knew it, mum had called the hospital and we were on our way.

When we got there, some doctors put me in an odd looking room and started examining my legs. It was a total violation to my personal bubble! They took some tests and the news was horrible.

When mum found out, she was sobbing like a baby. But when I found out, I was absolutely terrified.

It went like this: the doctor and mum came in the room that I was in and said softly, "We need to talk."

I knew it was something bad. Something very bad. I could tell by the doctor's eyes. She had pity in her eyes. It was definitely something very bad.

"You have been diagnosed with Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia (ALL) or cancer of the bone marrow."

I was only ten then and I had no clue what the doctor was talking about.

Finally I figured out that I had to get chemotherapy, this weird medicine.

When I started getting chemo, I did not know that there would be side effects. I lost all of my beautiful long hair, got tons of mouth sores, and I started getting chubby.

I didn't like it one bit! I was in the hospital a very long time. I was starting to lose hope that I would ever see my house again.

Then about a year after I was diagnosed, I saw an owl outside my window. Tied to its leg was a letter. It was such a strange sight!

Since I am curious, I staggered to the window, opened it up, and untied the letter. This is what it said:

_Dear Ms. McDonald,_

_We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. First term begins on the first of September._

_Sincerely,_

_Professor Minerva McGonagall_

_Deputy Headmistress of Hogwarts_

I was very puzzled! I had never heard of this school, Hogwarts. And Witchcraft? Wizardry? I had never heard of this nonsense. I didn't know what that was. But one thing I knew was that I wasn't going to get better by September, so I simply threw this letter away.

I am thirteen now and I'm still in the hospital. I have not gotten better or stopped chemo. However, some of my hair has grown back.

My mum is very sad and is probably depressed. Whenever she sees me, she puts on a fake smile and always seems so cheerful.

I know better though. I can see behind her mask. I see her tear stained face and her water filled eyes.

I see that she tries to be hopeful. I wish I could tell her that she shouldn't be hopeful. It is too late to help me. I most likely will never get better.

Yet, there is still a tiny bit of hope left in me. A tiny part is still wishing that I will get to see my house again.

Whenever I look in the mirror, I stare at my face. Oh how I wish I could break that ugly face looking back at me. I want to be pretty again. I want to be healthy. I just want to be myself.

Sometimes, I find myself thinking, why couldn't this happen to someone else? I dismiss it right away. I don't want to cause anyone else pain and misery. I would much rather suffer than give another person pain. But still, Why did this have to happen to me?

Sincerely,

Natalie McDonald


	4. Chapter 4 Death

**Natalie's Hope**

By Darkened Moonfire

Rating: K+

Category: Angst/Tragedy

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter

**Chapter 4 Death**

A/N: sorry I haven't updated for a while! hope you like it

**Death**

Dear personal, private journal,

Oh, I am so depressed. I have not gotten better since I last wrote which was four months ago. I have been feeling absolutely horrible the last couple of days. The doctors have me hooked up to this odd machine. I cannot move very much but when I do….Ow!

Sorry, I just had a sharp pain in my leg. It felt like a thousand very pointy, very sharp, small needles piercing into my skin. Cough cough!

Oh, I feel so…so…oh I can't think of the word for it. Possibly sick or miserable. I have no idea. I am very weak right now so I must stop writing or else I won't be able to feel my hand again…

Love,

Natalie

**---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**1 week later**

Dear Natalie's diary,

Sniff Sniff! Sorry I am just so sad. I will try my best to tell you exactly what happened. It went like this:

Natalie was in her hospital bed. She was so pale, she looked like she was a ghost. There were dark circles under her eyes. She was sleeping, but her breathing became erratic. I was absolutely terrified.

I was crying softly, praying. Praying that Natalie would live. Praying to God that she would survive. I was praying deeply and intently. And I was praying hard.

Then all of a sudden, Natalie woke up.

"Mu-Mum?"

"Oh, Natalie, you're awake! I was so worried!"

"Mum, I d-don't fe-feel so g-good."

"Wait here I'll get the doctor. Ok honey?"

"Ok. Mum."

As I walked quickly to the door, Natalie said,

"H-hey m-Mum?"

"What dear?"

"I-I love you!"

"I love you too, Natalie."

I went out to the doctor and told him that Natalie looked and felt absolutely horrible. He went in her room and I noticed that Natalie had fallen asleep.

"Natalie, darling, wake up."

----Beep, ----Beep, ------Beep, ------------Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Natalie didn't wake up. She never did again.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------------

Over the next couple of weeks, Valerie McDonald cried for the loss of her daughter while she cleared out Natalie's things. In the midst of her various journals, notebooks, and books, Valerie came across a beige envelope with "Mum" written in Natalie's handwriting. Inside she found a letter that seemed to have been cried on, for there were tear smudges everywhere. Valerie opened up the folded letter, her old hands shaking slightly. Then she let out a soft sob as she read it:

Dear Mum,

I have decided that I shall write this letter. If you find this, then I'm most likely…Well, I didn't make it. I would have been escorted by a bunch of beautiful angels up to the misty cloudy magnificent place called heaven. Anyway, if I didn't have leukemia, then I wouldn't be writing this. But here it goes….

Mum, I just wanted to tell you that I absolutely love you. I love you with all my heart. With all of my small shattered heart. My heart broke the day dad died. Then it shattered once more the day I found out that I was sick. It shattered into tiny miniature pieces.

Anyway, I love you. I've always loved you. And I always will. No matter where I am. If I'm unconscious or even if I'm up in heaven, I will always be with you. I will be watching over you, no matter what happens. I just want you to know that.

You are probably devastated, but as my cold loving tears spill onto this paper, I wanted to tell you that you meant the world to me. I'm spinning on this world, crying, no sobbing. I let my tears fall. I need to let them fall. I need them to wash out my sadness, my happiness. So when I die, I will be cleansed and I will be able to star anew. Oh, how I don't want to leave you. It will be such a pain to leave. You will be a mess, but I know you will eventually overcome the loss and sadness.

I do not want you to worry. I will be in a better place. I will be in a wonderful, terrific spot. But, most importantly, I will see dad again. I miss him so badly. I do not want to leave but yet, I cannot wait to see dad again

I have one last thing to say:

Goodbye. Goodbye, Mum. I love you. Know that I will be watching over you forever and ever. Goodbye world. Goodbye to my life. I will now be set free.

Natalie McDonald


	5. Chapter 5 Hope

**Natalie's Hope**

Rating: K+

Category: Angst/Tragedy

Disclaimer: I do not own hp

**Chapter 5 Hope**

A/N: ok everyone! This is the last and final chapter to Natalie's Hope! Enjoy! Remember to review! And I hope you all loved this story a lot

**This story is tribute to the real Natalie McDonald**.

**Hope**

"When hope is crushed, the heart is crushed, but when a wish come true fills you with joy."

Proverbs 13:12

"Hope" is the thing with feathers

"Hope" is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune without the words,

And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;

And sore must be the storm

That could abash the little bird

That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,

And on the strangest sea;

Yet, never, in extremity,

It asked a crumb of me.

-Emily Dickinson

I personally think that Natalie had a lot of hope inside of her. She just didn't know it. However, if she looked deep within herself, she would have found hope buried in her heart. She never found it, but I hope all of you who take interest in reading this after I die, look within yourself and find the thing called hope.

Does anyone even know what true hope actually feels like? I'm not even sure. But, our future might figure it out. Right now, in the present, though, we are not exactly sure what hope feels like. When we hope for a present for our birthdays, then we feel hope. But we are consumed with wanting things that we do not pay attention. We do not notice what the emotion hope really truly feels like. That will be our downfall. To not pay attention to hope. To turn our backs on the concept of it. Like I did. Like Natalie did.

- Valerie

Hope Limerick

There once was a thing called Hope

You'd wish but then you'd have to cope

You would wait and wait

Your heart would be a crate

From the heaviness of the thing called Hope!

Hope Haiku

You can make a wish

This feeling is very grand

But it hurts a lot

Hope Acrostic Poem

**H**igh expectations

**O**pen heart

**P**erspective

**E**motion

The other day was very strange. My fire place was lit but the flames turned green! A tall, pointy-nosed, long white-bearded man with long flowing robes poofed out of the fire. He greeted me with a broad smile on his face.

"Hello Mrs. McDonald. I am Professor Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And do you know about Natalie?"

"What about Natalie?"

"Why, didn't she tell you! She has been accepted into our school!"

"I am afraid it is too late. Natalie, well Natalie um, Natalie, um she died a couple months ago." My voice broke, trying to choke back my tears.

"Oh, I am terribly sorry for you loss. Natalie would have made a fine witch indeed." Professor Dumbledore said sadly. He turned to leave.

"Wait! Please tell me about this witch thing and Hogwarts?"

So Professor Dumbledore told me everything I needed to know about Hogwarts and in return, I told him exactly how Natalie died. Then Dumbledore vanished, wishing me a wonderful life and that I would see him again.

I am grateful that Professor Dumbledore told me about Hogwarts. I wish Natalie could have enjoyed the life of a witch. But I do know that Natalie is sitting right now in heaven, watching over me. The one thing she really wanted to do.

-Valerie McDonald

Hope

Faith

Expect

Anticipate

Aspire

Believe

Want

Intend

Desire

Those are

All the words

I crave

I could feel.

However

As much as

I wish and

Dream,

I cannot

Feel the

Emotion

Called

Hope.

Valerie went to a special graveyard every single day. It was a graveyard for witches and wizards. It was filled with tons of tombstones that were various shades of grey and various sizes. But in the middle of the graveyard, stood a tall red tombstone. It was a ruby red with speckled grey. This is the very place Valerie visited. She read the gold lettering every single time:

Natalie McDonald

13 years old

Died of leukemia

Loving daughter

Born: February 17,1990

Died: August 3, 2003

Soon-to-have-been

Witch

Finished. Done with this story. Please review. Note: birth date and death date are not accurate!!!just wanted to let you know that!


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